The Invitational: Tweak Edition

The Players

 

 

Cory Babcock, Founding Chairman (Handicap: 7.5)

 

Nickname: Young Gun

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Woods

Favorite Club: Putter

Best Known For: Incredible Swagger on the golf course

Quotes: "I have nothing to prove...but I play like I do"

 

Bio: Jesus. Where do we begin with Babcock. Great hair? Fantastic visor? The kid just brims with confidence on the course. Raised on Balentine Ln (shoutout to John Babcock) he was born to lead... (although finishing as a runner up in 2014). The founding chairman is a battler on and off the course and has been working tirelesslywith his swing coach Tyler Babcock at his ball striking. Unfortunately studying for the CFA has taken up valuable on-course prep time - will Babcock be ready? No one besides the Sperminator has talked more smack heading into the Invitational than his fellow Moco Cup partner. The Kid's heart factor is off the charts, and to that we show nothing but respect. Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

Chris Purdue, Founding Member & 2015 Chairman (Handicap: 5)

 

Nickname: Tweak

Favorite Golfer: Chris Purdue

Favorite Club: Opium Barcelona 

Best Known For: Emotional leader and a rare form of tourettes

Quotes: "There is no one here that can beat me. I am my own greatest competition." 

 

Bio: Offspring of the living legend Frank Purdue, Tweak is an absolute gamer. Although he usually finds his opponents bullseye squarely on his back in response to his brash and often confrontational interactions on the course, under his skillful leadership Team Tweak brought home the Inaugural Cup last year. Chris has secretly been honing his skills in the frozen tundra of Chiberia and he is absolutely oosing with confidence heading into the Invitational. Although his draft stock is sky high, no one has actually seen him play well since peaking in high school. However, watch out for Tweak to make a splash for HOY 2015 this year. 

 

 

 

 

Gregory Fullam, Founding Member & 2015 Honorary Member

 

Nickname: Flamson, Warrior 

Favorite Golfer: John Daly

Favorite Shot: The Fullam Snaphook

Best Known For: Dance moves, dank beats and sufficating dear friends in the box

Quotes: "Chill"

 

Bio: The Invitational lost a true Warrior this year when Dr. Flamson notified the committee of his leave of absence. Flam made the decision to join his brother JP and a pack of sherpas in the Rockies for the sumer to practice spiritual rejuvenation. Fullam's whereabouts have been unknown for the last 12 months, although it was rumored he spent time in Mexico traveling with the Cruz Azul soccer team before he was dragged into an elaborate match fixing scandal involving the Sinaolan Cartel, resulting in him fleeing the country. We pray for Fullam's safety as he embarks on a new chapter in his life and hope he will be able to rejoin the club next year. 

 

 

 

 

Michael Salerno, Founding Member & 2015 Captain (Handicap: 9)

 

Nickname: Diminutive Speedster, Penis head, Bojangles

Favorite Golfer: Eldrick Woods 

Favorite Club: King Arthur's Sword aka the driver

Quotes: "Sinking putts and nailing sluts"

Best Known For: Best 2nd ball golfer of all time

Draft Stock: Facebook - so hot right now

 

Bio: Last year's co-MVP, Papa Sal is back this year to repeat as champion and bring the coveted cup back to his amigos at the dealership. Although his reputation took an early hit for having ass implants at the tender age of 8, Sal is widely regarded as the best car salesman in the western hemisphere. His strengths include bombing the ball into different area codes down the fairway, and barking orders at his ball and his girlfriend. His presence as a captain this year is undeniable and has propelled his team to be an early favorite to repeat. Michael is a natural born leader and will (legally or illegally) make sure his team comes out on top. 

 

 

 

 

Colin Schermerhorn, Founding Member & 2015 Captain (Handicap: 11.5)

 

Nickname: Uno Dos, Sperm

Favorite Golfer: Matt Kuchar - fellow Sea Island peer, colleague and friend

Favorite Club: The Drilldo

Best Known For: 1) Ass bongos; 2) Maintaining a positive BAC for 117 consecutive hours

Quotes: "They say I have the heart of a line, I say its the heart of a Schermerhorn" 

Draft Stock: Ooooooutttttt of Bates College, Team Degen selects Colin Schermerhorn 1st overall

 

Bio: Scherm has experienced a volatile offseason, yet has high hopes for his first year sporting the Captain position. A continuous Player of the Year candidate off the course, Sperm has made a name for himself in the Las Vegas bodega crowd where he goes by the alias "Crum." In his free time, Colin enjoys heckling high school athletes and fostering debate in internet comments sections under the username @IAmBarstool. He is also an active investor in OMS163. The south paw has fine-tuned his skills and believes his driver will play a larger role in his game for the tournament, similar to the role Tinder moments have played a larger role in his thriving social media presence. One of the more prominent shit talkers out there, Scherm verbally picks apart his opponents leaving them exposed and violated. An important thing to keep an eye on will be how this wily veteran recovers after sustaining a recent back injury while bending to pull up his pants after a shit. Coming off a runner-up performance in the Morris County Cup, the QB will look to catch fire and pop his Invitational cherry with a win.

 

 

 

 

 

Dom Puglisi, Founding Member (Handicap: 20)

 

Nickname: Nooch, The Conquistador, The Original Peter North

Favorite Golfer: Francis "Fuzzy" Zoeller the III

Favorite Club: 1982 Prokennex Super Oversized Driver (380cc) aka "Jose Canseco"

Best Known For: Successfully swimming from Puerto Rico to the shores of Miami at the age of 6

Quotes: "The juice is always worth the squeeze if you're squeezing the right melons."

Draft Stock: Google circa 2005

 

Bio: The story of Dominc Stephano Puglisi is a heartwarming tale of the American Dream - a Puerto Rican immigrant turned billionaire porn mogul and founder of Brazzerz.com. When he's not winning AVN awards and basking in the Mediterranean sun he can be found giving back to his home town, teaching sex education classes in San Juan and giving inspirational speeches to kindergarten classes. On the golf course the Nooch is a bit of a wild card, one time shotgunning 8 beers during the first two holes of his Final Round Singles match in last years cup. That said, The Nooch has what it takes to dominate this field with his extraordinary short game and dominating drives off the face of Jose Canseco. Look for Dom to be a solid mid- to late-round scoop and be a contender for MVP this year. 

 

 

 

 

Anthony Santomo, Founding Member & 2014 MVP (Handicap: 23)

 

Nickname: Tomo, Snake

Favorite Golfer: Vijay Singh

Favorite Club: The Chipper

Best Known For: Winning 8 state championships in high school in 5 different sports

Quotes: "UPenn grad, Peace"

Draft Stock: Edward Lifesciences - Biotech boom or bust

 

Bio: Fellow porn mogul and partner of Nooch, Santomo is the reigning MVP of the 2014 Cup and the one person you do not want to find yourself matched up against on Sunday. His delicate feel around the greens is Phil Mickelsonesque, a most desireable trait for any partner. Although he's only played 10 rounds of golf in his life, he has somehow managed to stay undefeated in all 10, even shooting a tournament record -13 under 59 last year. Off the field he is tough to track down but is known for throwing lavish "no-pants parties" at his private island in the French Polynesians where he is known to be the only male ever in attendance. Captains- choose wisely... Tomo lives by the maxim "win at all costs" and his opponents have been known to miraculously disappear on game days. Skills aside, this slippery fellow is someone you need on your team. Snakey, snake. 

 

 

Chris Hanson, Founding Member (Handicap: 18)

 

Nickname: Hans, Chansworth McDanielson 

Favorite Golfer:  KJ Choi

Favorite Club: The Players Club

Best Known For: Bad Boys Inc. CEO

Quotes: "The syrup in my soda got my brain doing yoga"

Draft Stock: Seed capital phase, NPV exponentially growing

 

Bio: Friend of Tweak. Whereabouts unknown since late 2014. This darkhorse candidate is known for performing the New Zealand All Black "Haka dance" before matches to intimidate opponents, as well as his mother's  famous late night meals. Just as likely to show up in impeccable mid-season form as he is to show up 6 bottles of red wine deep. His position in the draft will be determined by how well he manages the pre-draft interview with the captains, the crowd at Legends the night of the draft, and the results of the mandatory drug test.

 

 

Robert Berish, Inaguaral Season (Handicap: 7.5)

 

Nickname: Burrish, Ish, Retard

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Woods circa November 2009

Favorite Club: Lob wedge 

Best Known For: Being the 2nd most popular Berish to his sister Kelsey

Quotes: "Moco is a joke and Ping visors are for the peasants"

Draft Stock: Lehman Brothers circle 2006 

 

Bio: Although known around the Morris County golf circuit for not having the "IT" factor, Berish is coming in piping hot with his game firing on all cylinders. After countless months of being mentally harassed by the likes of Sperm and Young Gun, Berish has finally found his game thanks to the deletion of his Oakmont Sports account which he promptly replaced with Farmers.com only to find the love of his life, Marge during a work trip to Kansas City, MO. Off the field, Ish spends his nights scouring the eastern seaboard for new casinos to invest in with his business partner Michael Salerno. Berish with his knew found lover and sobriety has all the headiness and talent to take the competition by storm. Keep this one slotted near the top of the draft board cause he's ready to make some noise. 

 

 

Alex Bress, Inaugural Season (Handicap: 16)

 

Nickname:  G-Sweep, Frabel, Stephano Frabellini

Favorite Golfer: Miguel Angel Jimenez

Favorite Club: Phallus aka The Knobwedge

Best Known For: The destruction of over 8 small villages throughout the Southern Andes region

Quotes: "You get ze girl, when I get ze money" "Now show me the goddamn respect I deserve."

Draft Stock: Positioned in the middle, trending higher

 

Bio:  When it comes to persistence, Frable Bress brings the heat. From the bridges of Pittsburgh, to the poles of Myrtle Beach, Mr. Frable is ready to dust off the clubs and participate in his first Invitational. This player has a weathered history of violent on-course outbursts and is well-known for his performance on the 19th hole. He once drank an entire handle of Jager on the course forcing him to get carted off to the locker room, only to return by hole 15 and birdie out for the victory. While he does exhibit some inconsistencies, his strengths shine when it comes to handling the media. Alex exudes smooth charm and once convinced a beautiful reporter to give him off-camera gratitude during an interview. His mid-iron game is often on point, so watch out for Bress to stick a few early on. It should be interesting to see how the draft pans out, as Frable could use his girth to add some late value.

 

 

Matt Crimmins, Inaugural Season (Handicap: 19)

 

Nickname: Crime Boss, Crim de la Crim, Crim Brulee

Favorite Golfer: David Duval

Favorite Club: The Volcano 

Quotes: "I'll literally kill you Purdue"

Best Known For: Finding and capturing the 10 most dangerous drug lords in South America

Draft Stock: Conviction buy list

 

Bio: It's still unclear whether Crimmins even owns a set of golf club, but his "I don't give a fuck attitude" and sheer phsyical stature makes him one of this year's hottest picks on the draft board. Strengths include grass tasting, bicep curling co-eds at the local equinox, and speaking 7 dialects of Mandarin. Don't let his inexperience on the course fool you, Crimmins is a born winner and natural trash talker - a great compliment to any team looking to make a run for the Cup.

 

 

David Miller, Inaugural Season (Handicap: 18)

 

Nickname: Hardress, Millhouse, Millpeace

Favorite Golfer: Cameron Miller

Favorite Club: 9 iron - recently discovered that his 9 iron was not just a back up 6 iron

Best Known For: HIghly Levered CDS Derivatives, Fnatasy Baseball

Quotes: "Santomo how did someone like you get into Penn?"

Draft Stock: Buy now, good value pick for current price

 

Bio: An honorary alumnus of Mendham Township Middle School, Miller is listed as Athlete on the draft board, as he brings a rugged skill-set and a simple mentality. Just 5 years ago Dave was being characterized as the Marvin Harrison of golf, however, he now looks more like the late Pete Rose. The start of baseball season has jolted Miller into his annual trance as he attempts to balance a job, 37 fantasy baseball teams, -1.5 Buchholz lines and managing his brother's major league career. Many think he has it in him to persevere and polish the arsenal over the next 30 days. With such limited free time, he has managed to increase his level of play and has garnered significant recognition from the Invitational's Board of Electorate Denegerates. Miller intends to open up with a bang (Early Thursday reservation at Derriere's Gentleman's Club), and could stay hot throughout the tournament. Fun Fact - Mill has been known to pop a Viagra every few holes due to the advice from his brother Al, who is looking forward to the '16 tournament after missing the cut in '15.

 

 

 

 

 

Colin McAleney, Inaugural Season (Handicap: 18)

 

Nickname: Mac

Favorite Golfer: Nick Flanagan

Favorite Club: Belly Putter

Best Known For: Chipping in on 18 at Mendham to win $0.98 from Krasney

Quotes: "Fuddik"

Draft Stock: Apple circa 1985 - Early darkhorse of the tournment

 

Bio: Like the 50 cent quote from Hustler's Ambition, Mac exemplifies the lifestyle " O after O, you know, homey I'm just triple beam, dreaming, Ni**as be scheming." A recent New York resident, Colin has enjoyed the fast-pased lifestyle and has made a name for himself in underground karaoke crowd. Outside of the office, he spends his time reading books about steroids and driving aimlessly around the city in a minivan.  Regarding his golf game, Mac has steadfast focus and displays unparalleled talent with is rare 9-wood. He has a strange habit of taking off his pants to put, and has been found accidentally in the women's locker room various times, but his routines continue to pay off. When it comes down to it, you want this kid on your team.